


What matters

by AngelynMoon



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Heavy Angst, M/M, Sad, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:01:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23342143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelynMoon/pseuds/AngelynMoon
Summary: In which Steve is sad because Sam and Bucky are dusted.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	What matters

**Author's Note:**

> So I know that the Avengers would probably notice Steve being sad and depressed especially Natasha which is why I gave her Clint to distract her because Clint going on a murder spree is so far out of character for the MCU verse that they set up especially his guilt over Loki making him his minion.
> 
> If this needs further tagging let me know.

It never comes up, Thor certainly knows he lost someone, Natasha knows that Sam is gone but with Clint showing up with news of his family being part of the Lost she'd been helping and hurting with him, Steve can't blame her, she'd loved Clint's family like they were her own.

They had all found themselves at the Avengers compound and Steve would never be able to describe the relief he'd felt when he'd seen Pepper Potts walk out to greet them, at the very least if Tony survived he had her.

Thor had his own people, what little was left of them, to care for and when Tony arrived he too had other concerns, Natasha had taken over Fury's work with Clint's aid in an attempt to keep themselves sane.

Bruce too found himself helping others, finding a balance between the Hulk and himself.

Steve, however, found himself drifting, he threw himself into whatever mission or task Natasha offered or that he saw needed doing, he worked until exhaustion overtook him so that he did not dream, so he didn't see Bucky crumbling with his name on his tongue like Steve could save him.

He no longer heard people call him Steve, most days he wore the Uniform, the old one that he'd put away when he went rogue, people liked to see it, they needed it, needed to be reminded that there were still heroes, still life left in them.

They only called him Captain America now and Steve didn't correct them, had had to hold in his flinches when the other Avengers had called him Steve before he'd gone out to help the Remaining Half of Thanos' Snap.

He aided Shuri in taking the mantle of Queen of Wakanda, he tried not to let her see him break, she was doing so well at being strong for her people and Steve couldn't bring himself to burden her with his trauma and tears, not when she'd let him see her own.

He went with the others to kill Thanos and felt hope die when the Titan told them he'd destroyed the Stones.

Maybe Thanos had killed him too in the Snap, maybe the Serum just hadn't let him fall to ash like all the others, like Bucky.

Every now and again Natasha would call but she was often busy with Clint or her duties, Bruce was aiding Thor with setting up New Asgard and Tony didn't want anything to do with him which Steve understood.

Steve had seen the pictures in the papers, apparently half the world disappearing couldn't halt gossip, the ones of Tony's wedding to Pepper, her stomach gently curved.

Steve hadn't been able to stop the tears that had fallen, he'd been happy for Tony, really he was but it just reminded him that Bucky was gone, that Sam was too.

Steve had lost his two best friends, he'd lost the man he loved yet again and how was it fair that he kept losing Bucky?

Steve didn't remember the aftermath of that question, the rage that had had him destroying everything in his apartment, leaving him surrounded by broken wooden panels and glass.

He'd picked the shards from his hands but hadn't bothered with fixing anything else, there was no one coming by to see what he'd done anyway.

It was almost too good to be true when Scott Lang arrived with his theory.

It made Steve ache, made his heart burn with the tiny fire of hope that Scott brought, that small flame nearly turned to ash before Tony arrived to save them, to fix what they didn't quite understand, no matter how smart Bruce was.

Tony found him before their run for the Stones, he'd given him back the Shield but this didn't seem like an apology, in fact Tony looked curious.

"So, where's Barnes? I figured you two would be joined at the hip." Tony said with a rueful grin.

Steve stiffened as he stared at Tony, he wondered if he looked as scared as when he'd lost Bucky for a second time.

Steve forced himself to relax, forced himself to smile through the painful ache that tore at his heart and he lied to Tony, he couldn't let him know that they'd all left him alone to grieve his best friend and his lover for the last five years while they had moved on, gotten on with their lives.

"He's back in Wakanda." Steve said, maybe it wasn't so much a lie as not the entire truth, he shouldn't lie to Tony anymore.

Tony stared at him, he looked like he was searching him, studying him for a lie and Steve could only hope that Tony would leave it.

Now wasn't the time anyway, they had a mission and Steve couldn't afford to break any more than he already had, when this was all over, when Bucky was back he could break, fall apart, but right now he needed to focus on what they needed to do.

When they all arrived back it was almost a punch to the gut to see Clint there without Natasha.

Steve felt something inside his chest snap at the sight of the empty space where just a second ago Natasha had said 'See you in a minute.' Steve could hear Thor yelling but it was indistinct, for a moment all Steve could hear was Natasha's voice overlaid with Bucky's quiet, frightened call of his name.

He'd never hear Natasha say his name again, couldn't remember the way she'd last said it.

"Cap." Tony's voice called and Steve's eyes met his and Steve wondered if there were tears in his eyes, if there he just couldn't feel them falling yet.

Steve mentally shook himself.

"If you have someone to call you should probably do so now." Steve said softly, "If this doesn't work you may not get another chance." Steve kept his gaze on Tony though he knew Scott had someone.

Steve himself went outside to sit for a moment, Clint and Bruce migrating towards one another as they all went to make their calls.

Steve took his own phone and found himself dialing a number long since memorized, unused for the last five years but not disconnected because Shuri was a sweetheart like that.

If it had been any other carrier but Wakandan then the inbox would have been full with how many messages Steve had left there.

Steve listened to Bucky's voice telling him to leave a message and left one final message, a goodbye that he'd never been able to say to Bucky in person.

If this worked then Bucky would be back, but Steve had no delusions that it would be that easy, it never was, until the Stones were back where they belonged there was a chance that they could die and Steve was willing to do so if that meant Bucky was back, the other man deserved to live the life Hydra had stolen from him, even if it was without Steve.

Steve ended his message with a soft, "I love you, Bucky." And ended the call after a small pause, pretending that Bucky was saying it back, he'd probably never hear his lover say those words again.

Tony approached him, "Did Natasha have any family?"

Steve looked at Tony with his tears finally falling, "Just us."

Tony opened his mouth like he wanted to say something but Steve shook his head, "Let's get this done, she died for this, we can't waste it."

Tony face scrunched up in anger and Steve forced himself to breeze past Tony without addressing it, Tony would have all the time to yell at him later if they both lived.

Standing alone, facing Thanos' army was not what he expected his end to be like, although Steve had always knows he'd die in a fight, known it when he was nothing but a scrawny, sickly brat on the playground telling some bully to stop tugging on a girl's pigtails, had known it encased in Howard's Vita-ray machine, had known it when he'd driven the Valkyerie down into the Ice, he'd known it fighting Aliens in the future, known when he'd tossed his Shield and refused to fight the man he loved, had known it when they faced Ultron, known when he took Bucky and ran off to protect the man he could not live without, not again, never again, he'd always known he'd die fighting.

Thor's Hammer weighed heavy in his hand as he walked, it was fitting that the Shield was now as broken as he was, a reflection of Captain America as he really was.

But he couldn't let Thanos win, not while he was alive and still standing. No War was lost as long as there was but one fool left to fight, and Steve Rogers had always been a foolishly, stupid, little Punk, and he always would be.

Hearing Sam's voice in his ear was a relief, it wasn't the one he wanted to hear but if Sam was back then so was Bucky.

Something shifted in Steve's heart, settled, Steve wondered if it was relief.

Steve lost himself in the fight, let himself relax just that small bit, because Bucky was back, Steve did not let himself think about Bucky on the Battlefield, he couldn't, he had to believe that Bucky was someplace safe, somewhere far from danger, Steve could not bare even the thought of Bucky dying again, not again.

And then Thanos had the Gauntlet, for a moment Steve could not breath, he looked at Tony's face, he was just as determined as every one of them and then Tony looked to Strange and Steve knew what he meant to do.

Steve thought about the life Tony had built the last five years, thought about Pepper and that little girl of Tony's, thought about Peter.

He couldn't let Tony do this, couldn't let Tony make this sacrifice for them.

Steve took a breath before he launched himself at Thanos, let it fall from his chest as Thanos tossed him away without care.

Steve let his eyes stay closed for a moment, reminded himself that Bucky was back as fire began to burn in his arm, as it traveled up to his chest to settle in the place where Scott's idea had lit a spark of hope.

It didn't matter that something in his chest snapped and broke when he landed, it didn't matter that the sharp pain in his chest and the burning in his chest intensified as he pushed himself up, legs not quite cooperating with him, making him fall back to the ground.

"Never in all my years have I seen someone not know when they've lost." Thanos said, the words almost soft, a caress.

Steve could hear Tony getting up, could hear his armor clanking together.

Steve forced the pain down, this was nothing anyway, nothing compared to the emptiness of missing Bucky, nothing compared to the nightmares of hearing his lover say his name like he could save him and Steve failing to save him, not once but twice, Steve forced himself to stand, he would not die on his knees, no matter how painful.

Thanos stared at him, at Steve swaying slightly in a nonexistent breeze, Steve could see Tony behind him, posed to take the Stones but Thanos lifted his hand and Tony stopped because the Stones were gone.

"I am inevitable." Thanos told them and snapped his fingers.

Steve felt relief when nothing happened, he'd know nothing would, not with the Stones burning through him, their flames were sinking down to his gut now, trailing up his neck to lick at his chin and cheeks.

Steve blinked at Thanos and raised his hand, the limb shaking with the weight of the Stones.

"I didn't lose." Steve whispered, and he hadn't, Bucky was back, he was safe, he had to be, he had to be.

Steve hardly felt the tears trailing down his cheeks as he Snapped his fingers and the pain of a thousands lives crumbling lit through his body, it was like he was suffering through the pain of each life he'd chosen to take as they turned to ash and dust.

Was this what it was like to burn alive, Steve wondered vaguely as he watched each life blink out of existence, as he felt fire consume each of them as he watched flame lick at Thanos' skin, the Titan did not appear pained, perhaps that was the cost of using the Stones, to feel the pain of those lives taken, Steve wondered if Thanos had felt like this the first time he'd Snapped.

Steve didn't feel Tony catching him, didn't feel the man resting him against some rubble.

The Stones were still burning, murmuring, whispering, they wanted to go home, wanted to be separate and lost, huh, Steve wondered if the others knew that if Clint returned the Soul Stone he'd get Natasha back, a soul for a soul after all.

"Steve! Steve!" Someone shouted.

Steve tried to focus, he knew that voice, had spent five years wishing for the real thing rather than the slightly staticy version that led him to Bucky's voicemail.

"Buck." Steve whispered, he couldn't see the other man, his vision was only flame and darkness, he couldn't even see shadowy figures of the people that were surrounding him.

"I'm here, Steve, what were you thinking, you stupid man?" Bucky's voice said, and Steve felt pain flare where Bucky pressed his forehead to his own, where his hands touched his neck and Steve sighed, he could take this pain, he reveled in it because it was real, Bucky was real and this was okay.

"S'okay, Bucky." Steve whispered, he could hear the Stones crackling, their flames still burning through him, now down to his knees, he should probably take off the Gauntlet, "You're back." Steve said, he wondered if he was looking at Bucky, he hoped he was, he couldn't move his arms to hold his lover, so the least he could do was look at him even if he couldn't actually see the man, that way Bucky could pretend at least.

"Steve." Bucky's voice cracked and broke.

"M'sorry, I..." Steve gasped and something crawled up his throat, it tasted like charcoal, like ash.

"Steve!" And oh, that was Tony's voice, Steve let himself smile, Tony at least would get his happy ending, Tony and Clint and all the rest of them.

Steve forced himself to focus, Natasha deserved a life too, he had to tell them, he had to.

"Clint...Soul Stone, Nat..." Steve lost his breath, he hoped they understood, a soul for a soul, returning the Soul Stone would get Natasha back.

"Hey, easy, you're okay." Bucky's voice said softly and Steve was reminded of Bucky coaxing him through asthma attacks a life time ago, he'd always used that same soft tone, god, Steve loved that tone, had missed it so damn much.

"Yeah." Steve breathed out, "Yeah, 'm okay."

Steve felt his head loll to the side, felt it rest heavily in Bucky's hand.

Steve breathed in, he had something he had to say, one last thing that Bucky deserved to hear.

"Love you." Steve breathed out, he could still feel the fire in his veins but it was distant, his body however felt light, and he almost couldn't feel his body at all anymore, not even the pressure of Bucky's hand against his cheek, his forehead resting against his.

"I love you too." Bucky's voice quaked and broke on the last word.

Steve couldn't help the half smile that crawled on his face, it was alright to go now, he'd heard Bucky say he loved him one last time.

Steve let his eyes drift closed, he could hear Bucky sobbing, but the man didn't beg him to stay, it was like he knew that Steve wanted those words to be the ones he took with him on the walk toward the afterlife, like Bucky knew that those words were the most precious thing that Bucky could send him away with.

Steve felt a soft pressure against his lips and the fire in his veins began to die, for a second it flared through his entire body all at once and Steve half jerked in Bucky's grip before the fire winked out of existence like it had never been there at all, and somehow Steve know that the Stones had fallen from the Gauntlet but none of that mattered.

What mattered was that Bucky was safe, the Universe was safe, and his Family would get to live their lives. Steve smiled in his mind as the world faded into nothing, they deserved to live, he hoped they would remember that.

\--

The beeping was annoying, Steve frowned, he really shouldn't be hearing beeping if he was dead, should he?

Steve struggled through his fuzziness and the layers of darkness that surrounded him and tried to drag him back down.

He opened his eyes slowly, half expecting the bright lighting of a hospital ward but only darkness met him, for a second he thought he failed opening his eyes but he could feel himself blinking and he could feel pain licking across his skin.

He drew in a pained breath and felt his mouth open in a scream of pain that he couldn't hear.

"Shit, he's waking up, Shuri!" Tony's voice shouted.

Someone was holding him down and it hurt, it hurt so much and Steve knew his mouth was open in a scream but no sound was escaping.

"Steve!" Shuri's voice said loudly, mostly to get his attention, "If you can hear me, you need to calm down, if you don't you'll hurt yourself more."

Steve tried but he couldn't hear Bucky's voice, no, no, he'd been back, it couldn't have been a dream, no, he couldn't..., he couldn't breath.

"Shit! Shit!" Tony yelled, "Do something, he might be weaker than normal but I can't hold him down, Thor!"

Steve heard several sets of running feet and suddenly there were more hands holding him, Steve though he recognized Natasha's grip on his right leg and ankle and Clint's on his left and Thor pressing down next to Tony's hands on his right shoulder, at the edge of where his feeling in that arm stopped.  
And then he stilled when Bucky's hand dragged through his hair on his left side.

"Hey, I'm right here, I'm here, Stevie, not going anywhere again." Bucky whispered against his temple.

Steve felt his left hand snake out to grab Bucky's wrist, it wasn't as strong a grip as he wanted but it was better than nothing.

"Shh, it's all right." Bucky soothed as he shifted to hold Steve's hand in his, his grip painful but grounding in Steve's darkness.

Steve felt his body relax, the pain of it drifting away slightly into the background and Steve forced himself to categorize his aches and pains, he hurt everywhere except for his right arm, in which he could feel nothing but that was fine, it was fine because Bucky was holding his left hand that was all that mattered.

\--

A/n: just a thought I had the other night, I know that Natasha would have noticed so I gave her Clint to distract her, don't yell at me.

I know that Shuri was most likely Dusted because she still looked youngish in the Endgame movie but I wanted Steve to help her with being the you Queen of a decimated people.

So Steve has a very difficult journey ahead of him, since he's now blind and probably mute along pain everytime he moves and no use of his right arm, the one he used for the Gauntlet.

And I know that Tony using the Gauntlet was a fitting end for his Character but gosh darnit he had a family, a little girl and he was happy and he deserves it, they all did.

Also the theory that the Soul Stone, if returned by the one that took it to start with, will give back the soul traded for it, therefore the reason Natasha didn't live in the movie was because Steve took all the Stones back and Clint didn't return the Soul Stone to get Natasha back.

This ended up longer than I expected.


End file.
